At the end of my last semester at CIEE, I am now reflecting on how I came into this program in July 2010. I was hurting, angry, and scared. I was hurting deeply from the end of an important relationship in my life, angry about it, and struggling to find my own way again. I was scared I had made a HUGE mistake by moving to the other side of the world for a year, leaving my dear family and friends behind.
But in my heart, I knew I needed to be here because it was time to heal. And that is exactly what my time here in Thailand has afforded me, although not without great effort. The myth of this internship is that just by participating, you'll grow. As it says in our pass-on manual, "passivity is always bullshit." This held true for me-- I cried a lot in the fall, and I felt a lot of the pain I had been trying to avoid. I worked with people who tried my patience and made me scream, lived in a country whose language I had never spoken before, food I had never eaten, and culture I was unfamiliar with. The fall was my time of finally, and totally, breaking. I broke from all those lingering emotions and habits from my past, and moved into a time of great growth, love, and healing.
Through my own healing, I have been able to understand love better. The other p'facs are probably so tired of hearing me talk about bell hooks, but everything she says is so great!! Read her. Please.
My favorite quote by her is:
We all long for loving community. It enhances life's joy. But many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape. Through out his life theologian Henri Nouwen emphasized the value of solitude. In many of his books and essays he discouraged us from seeing solitude as being about the need for privacy, sharing his sense that in solitude we find the place where we can truly look at ourselves and shed the false self. In his book Reaching Out he stresses that "loneliness is one of the most universal sources of human suffering today."
Nouwen contents that "no friend or lover, no husband or wife, no community or commune will be able to put to rest out deepest cravings for unity and wholeness." Wisely, he suggests we put those feelings to rest my embracing our solitude, by allowing divine spirit to reveal itself there: "The difficult road is the road of conversion, the conversion away from our loneliness and trying to forget or deny it, we have to protect it and turn it into fruitful solitude. . . loneliness is painful; solitude is peaceful. Loneliness makes us cling to others in desperation; solitude allows us to respect others in their uniqueness and create community."
[bell hooks, All About Love]
At my darkest moment, Allison showed me that quote and it became a beacon for me. A goal, if you will.
Through learning how to better love myself and love solitude, I feel that I am better able to love others. I feel that I was much more loving this semester than last, and feel that I am leaving this internship with a new, stronger soul.
I remember the Lindy that came in to CIEE one year ago, and I wish I could hug her and tell her it would be ok. It was, and I am.
Now, my new favorite guiding quote that I want to always keep in mind when interacting with others is by Hafiz:
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.
I love that. I love it.
So, I feel excited to come back to the US and see all the wonderful people who have been such an important part of my life. I hope that, when I come back, I am able to be a better daughter, friend, family member, and acquaintance because of what I've learned here in Thailand.
But, as with any great experience, it must come to an end and I must leave all the people who have been a part of my growth and who I have come to love so much. We had a farewell dinner last night, and I was so filled with joy looking around the table at all the CIEE staff and p'facs that I couldn't even cry. I felt so filled with happiness and light, being with these people who I have struggled with and been mad at and cried because of and learned SO much from... Of course, now as I type this entry I am getting a lump in my throat, thinking about leaving everyone.
I know it's time, but I will miss everyone at CIEE so much. Words can't describe my feelings for this place, and the people here. So for the p'facs who put up with me, and the staff who had the patience to work with me, cheers. It's been a wonderful year.
And my CPH partner, Aj Ooh-- the highlight of my semester was getting to know you, and working with you. I love you so much, and know we'll see each other again in the future! Your humor, kindness, and insight have been a huge part of my experience here in Thailand... Thank you, thank you, thank you.
NOW, on a physical level I would say I have taken several steps backward. On my way to our final quaker meeting at a nearby temple, I was driving the motorsai behind a truck (slowly, and with a helmet on) when a pothole appeared out of nowhere. It was pretty big, and because I hit it slowly... the front wheel jerked to the right and the bike went down. I fell on my right leg, hitting the road with my knee first. Luckily, only my leg was injured. I couldn't get out from under the motorsai because my skirt was stuck, but some very kind Thai man came and helped me, even popping the mirrors back on our bike and giving me rubbing alcohol and iodine for my leg.
Long story short, Lukas picked me up and I went to the quaker a little sore but ok. Now I am in the process of physically healing, which is also a very painful process.
THEN, for the past week or so I had bad stomach pains, diarrhea, and general discomfort. Finally, it climaxed the other day with me puking into a trashcan when I was supposed to be facilitating the final sessions of the semester. I decided it was time to go to the hospital, which turned out to be a good idea because I have a peptic ulcer. This means that, for my last one-two weeks in Thailand, I have to avoid caffeine, spicy food, everything delicious, alcohol, and salt. IT SUCKS. I would take another busted leg over this dumb ulcer.
My mealtime routine now consists of taking 3 meds (two pills (one must be taken 1 hr before eating), one liquid that is awful) and cleaning my leg wounds with iodine and saline solution.
What a life. 555 (ha ha ha)
Photos of the leg are below, beware.... it's pretty nasty.
Day One
Day Three: The iodine makes it look even worse.
