It's hard to believe I have finished my first year of seminary- I am now a 2nd year MDiv student! That, and the quiet lull that follows the semester, have given me a lot to think about. This year has been one of great growth, but also great rest. I spend a fair amount of time with my friends, both in DC and at school.... and then I go home. I go to my apartment that houses only me and my stuff, that I can always guarantee is quiet and totally within my control.
I have never lived alone prior to this year- in the last few years, I have even survived hyper social living situations, culminating (I hope) in my 4 roommates/coworkers/friends/siblings/p'facs in Thailand. While that was fun, I must confess that I adore the time to restore my mind and think. With no one but myself to get mad at when the dishes remain undone or the half and half ran out (like today, despite going to 2 grocery stores yesterday grrr), I can better listen to God's movement in my life and better understand my own needs as well.
At this time, the thing most heavily on my mind is denomination. I was baptized Episcopal (as I learned the other week, ha thanks Mom), raised Presbyterian (PCA), and have somehow always chosen Methodist institutions (Wofford College and Wesley). Parts of my family are Southern Baptist and others are Methodists. Thus, for me denominations have always seemed fairly flexible. This year, I have attended a Mennonite church in the fall, a UCC church in the spring, Methodist chapel at Wesley (well, usually it's Methodist), and the Episcopal National Cathedral at various points in between.
I believe that God's Word finds its way through our human institutions regardless of our work, so in some ways I find even the choice of denomination baffling. Why are there so many choices? For example, I was looking for wine the other night at the grocery store and was once again shocked by the sheer number of choices... which made me ask "Are they really all that different?" It's hard for me to find differences between the $30 bottle and the $8 one (I know my stepdad would fervently disagree haha).
So why do Protestant Americans have so many choices? It seems more confusing to me than helpful. It also reminds me of a TED talk my friend Allison showed me, which concludes that humans seem to be happier when they have less choices. Watch it here: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/sheena_iyengar_choosing_what_to_choose.html
No wonder I am having trouble settling down in one particular denomination- I am paralyzed with too many options! It doesn't help that DC has just about anything I could imagine.
Because of this, I have tried to reframe my parameters. Instead of starting with the question "Which denomination should I join?" I changed it to "Where do I feel God most strongly?" Other theologians I have read call this a "thin place," one where the distance between humans and God is especially small.
In my search for thin places, I keep coming back to the National Cathedral. This might seem obvious- I mean, who could deny its beauty and majestic presence? But there's something more to it.
The Episcopal liturgy speaks to my soul, even as its hierarchical structure does not. The reverence I feel during the service feels God inspired, fills me with the Holy Spirit. I think church there is my "thin place" in DC.
There's something neat and tidy about it as well- I was baptized at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral in Columbia, SC. Am I simply coming back around to my spiritual roots? After much time exploring the world and its offerings, have I ended up where I started?
I love the congregational structure of the United Church of Christ (UCC) and the strong lay leadership of the church I have been attending in DC.
However, I can't get the high church liturgy out of my mind. I don't understand it, but I feel compelled by it.
All I can be sure of- every time I think I've nested somewhere, I end up moving somewhere else. I also wonder if perhaps I am not meant to be comfortable in any denomination. Perhaps my path goes along the edge of the churches, where there is greater freedom yes, but also greater loneliness. I want to be in community with a church, but as always... "Not my will but thy will be done."
This passage from Barbara Brown Taylor's book, Leaving Church, really spoke to me about my path of discernment:
"All these years later, the way many of us are doing church is broken and we know it, even if we do not know what to do about it. We proclaim the priesthood of all believers while we continue living with hierarchical clergy, liturgy, and architecture. We follow a Lord who challenged the religious and political institutions of his time while we fund and defend our own. We speak and sing of divine transformation while we do everything in our power to maintain our equilibrium. If redeeming things continue to happen to us in spite of these deep contradictions in our life together, then I think that is because God is faithful even when we are not. When we are able to trust the gospel that our human love of God and one another is the sum total of what we were put on earth to do, and that we have everything we need to be human, then redeeming things will continue to happen, both because and in spite of us. They will happen because God loves life so much that even at the grave we make our song Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia."
